I loved music, many genres, like classical, symphonic, and folk metal. I love pop and acoustic as well. I have ten years of music school behind me and a piano in my living room. For the last 16 years, it has been standing there like any other furniture, untouched. I happened to find a few Youtube channels. They are made by voice teachers who break down the technique behind the performances done by famous singers. One of them, – Carl John Franz, has a lot of passion for vocal technique, many videos that put more focus on it, and an ebook about his singing journey. I would stare at the cover of “Becoming A natural singer,” with a brain illustration, read over again, “Understanding the deeper truths behind vocal success. ” …and argued with myself: Will that program work? How much is it? What ideas does it represent, and do I need more of them?
I was tempted by the words “deep,” “truth,” “understanding,” by the logic in his video content… So one day I just did it. I downloaded the “Calibre” program, got to his site, paid the 20 and something on PayPal, and a copy was mine to review! About the future of music, about it being “hit by a meteor…”
I wasn`t thinking of it, so when it was mentioned, I got hit by this book, this mind, that word “…events in your past might have affected your perception of: a list… your ideas about music!” I was not ready for it! All the memories flashed before my eyes:
Every time I listen to music – I feel loved, free, I see places and auras and colors…I imagine different characters or feel like someone understands me and knows what I go through.
Every time I recall playing piano in music school – the first thing I remember is: the scolding, never satisfied teachers who seemed to be sure I was a hopeless case and did everything to make it clear.
And today, my songs are playing in my mind, melodies that no one else can hear, notes that my voice can`t reach …
Time passed, and I had my first lesson with him. It was that night when I recalled prolonged exposure therapy, if you google search it, you will see that`s used to treat patients who have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Prolonged exposure therapy is characterized by two main treatment procedures – imaginal and in vivo exposures.
I couldn`t fall asleep that night. I got out of bed and went to the living room. The piano stood there. I kept a safe distance at first, then approached it. I had to remove a bunch of things. Documents, keys, old watches…all this stuff you don`t really need, but don`t get rid of. I sat and opened it. I could see the black and white keys in the dark. I ran my hand over the keyboard, not playing just touching … recalling myself sitting here… for so many years…I realized that very moment; it had been my outlet, my friend! It was there taking in my anger, my scattered thought, my calm moments. It was there for me, standing quietly, responding with it`s music to the movement of my fingers.I sat still. Tears roll down my face.
Do I love you now? I look down at the instrument. It is warm, quiet, and calm, and times flash before my eyes; In class. “Where is your head?”… “You are playing like a three-year-old!” she would press my hand into the keyboard … “Okay, honey, I think you can` t hear ”… At home, Mom would lay in bed, taking medicine, after a conversation about the possibility of me leaving music school. All the family was around her. I knew everyone thought her condition was my fault. A few years later, I would go cursing, throwing the note sheets to the other side of the room, kicking the instrument, punching it with all my force. I would feel the sharp, throbbing pain in my hand, the only relief …
Now I don`t have immature, manipulative family members or teachers who make me feel inadequate.
I have the piano; I have the music. I have my friendly, talented voice teacher. There is a lot to work on…
I would like to Thank Carl John Franz for his wonderful book, and Ph.D. Edna Foa, Director of the Center for the Treatment and Study of Anxiety for P.E. This post was made with the purpose of showing how the combination of a trigger and P.E can unblock creativity in adults.